The Apprentice - Episode 8 - Paris

Now, before I begin this review, or even begin watching The Apprentice it is important you understand that even though my understanding of the French language is quite low. Even though I have my sentiments, sometimes less complimentary about the Wannabe’s I must say there are going to be parts of this episode which I just cannot listen to. I have been pre-warned about their need to deliver some conversation in French and as Wannabe’s like Melody and Zoe are near incoherent when speaking the Queens I am tense before I even click play.

Team Logic: Tom (Team Leader), Melody, Natasha, Leon 

Team venture: Helen, Jim, Susan (Team Leader), Zoe

In the freezing cold, the teams roll up to Kings Cross St Pancras and are greeted by Lord Sugar- that’s three weeks in a row he has shown up to watch the Wannabe’s cower. This time the teams need to head to Paris and sell English products to French companies.

The Teams are introduced to a room loaded with “innovative British designs”, anything from pop-up postcards to a teapot that lights up for some reason and a creepy skeleton claw which can hold your phone or camera.

Jim pulls a rabbit out of the hat and throws in some French… Phew! Not too bad but Helen’s attempt which led to her desperately hurling the phone at Jims mouth when she faltered on a simple greeting was a bit hard to watch. 

Melody pushes to be the pitcher for team Logic. She makes a great sell and lands Tom’s team a heap load of money. I did fast forward through Natasha’s slightly awkward presentation to La Redouté (a very big catalogue) and if you don’t know who they are then just Google them to find out.

Currently, Jim is trying to sell as the French shop assistants look on nonchalantly and act unimpressed, at this point I am unsure as to where Jim’s French speaking skills have gone to, hopefully they will return to save Venture’s weaker sales strategy. Susan’s team finally land a big deal with a rather tidy sum at the end of it. 

Time for the boardroom where we find out Alan has got his knickers in a twist over something and seems even more short-tempered and fiery than previous weeks.

Overall figures for team Venture sales:  14, 699 euros on top of that La Redouté wanted over 200,000 of one of their products, needless to say, they win. Melody from Logic was very much against the idea of marketing a child booster seat which converts into a rucksack; however this exact product is what made Susan’s team the winners.

Overall figures for team Logic sales: 11,705 euros. The child booster seat was Tom’s idea and if he had taken enough control and grabbed the bull by the horns (see I can talk like Sir Alan) his team wouldn’t be sitting where they are, in the losers chairs. 

The winning team get to learn to fly planes as part of their reward. For the first time on this episode the team look genuinely happy.

The not so winning team go to the Bridge Café which looks as run down as ever considering the amount of business it must be getting from all these wannabe’s. Tom looks nervous, but with Melodies personality this could go either way.

Melody seems to have been given many awards in her business career and seems to have quite a credible background and career history and it surprisingly dazzles his lordship. Alan also, in his weekly boardroom speeches just reminds all the wannabe’s how much younger he was than them and how much harder he had to work for his money. I would love for Alan to be in their place with no power no money, this man has probably made more mistakes than victories to get where he is today. I find it incredibly arrogant that he has nothing else to say about himself, I can only imagine how dull he is at the dinner table.

Alan wraps it up in the boardroom with one hilarious quote “Back to the house the pair of you” as though their dad has just caught them smoking in an alleyway round the corner from home. 

Reject of the week is Leon and he once again he dishes out a Thank you to Lord Sugar before exiting. This was a good decision as I didn’t see Leon do anything on this task.Why can’t they just have the last word and tell him what they really think?

Melody wins French-speaker of the week and Wannabe of the week she goes up in my estimations, and seems to speak better French than English when doing a spot of market research at Metro stations upon her arrival in Paris.

Quote of the week “I know absolutely nothing about France…don’t know any French people…Can’t speak a word of French…don’t know French food, nothing.”- Susan says all this just after nominating herself for Project Manager on a project based in where…? That’s right France

Tune in next week!

Episode 7 - Freemium Magazine Launch

Team Venture: Zoe, Glenn, Susan, Jim

Team Logic: Natasha, Helen, Tom, Melody, Leon

The wannabe's are awoken first thing and transported to Fleet Street. Alan Sugar is transported down in a lift in this vast expanse of an office block like some intergalactic space lord, I do wish they would just keep a respectable tone in this show and sometimes they really do fail. The task this week is to create a free magazine, the wannabes must then pitch the magazine to advertising and publishing companies to get money from the ads.

A bit of flirting between Emerald Jim (Team Leader) and Zoe- yes, it’s as frightening as it sounds. Jim pitches the mature magazine publication- with all of them most likely being born in the 70s or 80s I am sure they have their demographic nailed. 

Team Venture head to a Bowling club for their market research group; where one person reads The Economist and another reads Viz its worth changing your angle, as your idea of “Hip Replacement” isn’t going to impress. I may not be over sixty but I am offended by their brainstorming ideas “Hip Replacement”- I would sooner see my gran her reading Playgirl than a publication with that title.

Team Logic start shooting the front cover for the lads mag, which the market research group claimed they want some boob, but also articles that raise the intellectual bar- needless to say they miss the mark and before you know it there is a glamour model wearing Tom’s jacket and a yellow hard hat in a studio. Tom is of course in his element as his suit jacket gets more action dressing the model that he himself will probably ever get.

The pitch for “Hip replacement” went as well as the market research- Jim was the only one excited, and even his focus and zeal was waning by the end of the pitch. When Glenn led the way for a pitch I had to skip past the painful silence; so for a few minutes I had no idea what was said. I don’t want to get stressed watching the Apprentice and even though Glenn is kind of a geezer and over compensating and most importantly “not being funny” I don’t want to watch him suffer. 

Natasha dominates the pitch for “Covered” magazine to the last advertising company. Her demand to be in charge gets quite awkward as she inserts the word “yea” after every sentence and statement and on several occasions just says “yea” by way of an answer.

In the boardroom team Logic blow Venture out of the water with an offer of £60,000 from one investor which tips them way over the edge; the biggest problem being that Venture got an offer of zero from one advertising company. Logic are rewarded for their work and are given fencing lessons (which will no doubt come in handy in this business world where deals are settled with swords) Lord Sugar makes a joke about Errol Flynn, a reference not one of the wannabe’s understood.

Susan in her quite adorable way is saying how she never made any final decisions on anything and just went along with everybody else- sound familiar from the last seven weeks? In the boardroom Jim’s backstabbing ways come out in full form when he begins passing the blame around the table and once again Susan gets targeted and unsurprisingly that scary flirting between Zoe and Jim results in Zoe being safe from returning to the boardroom. After much arguing his Lordship taunts us and makes us think Susan might be going but he then throws us a curveball…

Reject of the week- Glenn gets the boot, although I do believe this week he should’ve been spared, as Jim proved he isn’t especially good at being in charge and cannot handle the responsibility

Melody is my wannabe of the week- she was slightly less annoying and didn’t jump right to questioning every idea unnecessarily

“I’ve never seen so many boobs in one place”- Melody gets my quote of the week and if you don’t see it in context then you may assume she’s talking about her present company, no it’s just about boobs.

See you next week

The Apprentice - Episode 6 - 8th June 2011

We kick off this week with the haunting voice on the end of a phone at 7am summoning the Wannabe’s out of their “pits” to another challenge (you get it yea, rubbish, pits?). This week the wannabe’s are scrapping like old-timey gypsies, if they play their cards right they should end up with a tidy profit. The key is to charge more for removing junk than is costs to dispose of it- sell the slightly less useless junk for extra dosh too.

Alan makes an appearance this time- he decides the site of quaking, shivering apprentices is worth the early morning stint

Team Logic this week: Helen, Jim, Tom, Natasha, Melody

Tom and Jim head to the ‘burbs of London and shout through a microphone and amplifier to irritate the local residents into forking over their scrap. Team Logic actually lands a deal and pulls it out of the bag. I am very impressed this week again by Jim and now Tom has gone up in my estimations.

I loved how Helen makes up her own assessments of good quality metals. According to your lady if it’s magnetic and made from iron it’s better quality than the stainless steel! Yes Helen and if something is painted silver then it must be metal too, right?

This team seemed to do less complaining than the other team, but their haggling skills were sub-par. They profited £712 in total- Alan pockets the money and they go off to a thermal spa with a smart grin on their face. As they won by only £6, it was more about luck than skill.

Team Venture: Glenn, Leon, Edna, Zoe and Susan

Zoe has adopted former wannabe Ellie’s near incoherent chatter first thing in the morning, from what I gather Zoe is team leader this week. The hush that followed Zoe’s volunteering herself was priceless, you could hear the other wannabes all saying “anyone but her” in their heads.

Once again this week Glenn “is not being funny” (see last weeks review if unclear) and this is on the subject of garbage. And Glenn, this week we still aren’t laughing

 Zoe’s charisma was so overwhelming I almost couldn’t watch (the sarcasm should be making your computer crash), she seems to be such a non-entity in this season I forget she’s actually in it. The Apprentice is always better when there are a few tears and this week they came from Zoe, to be quite honest I was indifferent to her weeping.

I do love how Team Venture were incapable of bartering. The plumber who was using their services threw in three copper cylinders at a small price, so they could resell for a nice profit. Edna then decides with her HR knowledge and degrees with made-up sounding names, asks for more money from the plumber when the truck is fully loaded and ready to go.

The Boardroom this week was opened with the melodic greeting of his Lordship: 

Give me a B flat altogether now - “Good afternoon lord Sugar!”

Zoe is hilarious in the boardroom and is desperately scrambling to slam Susan at every turn. Edna sits sour-faced while Zoe forces back more tears and Susan the feisty minx fights her corner. Susan although she is lovely, is just a bit too inexperienced and can’t handle the ego and attitudes of the other wannabe’s. Luckily Susan survived one more week, as did Zoe.

Biz Best Bits

Edna is the reject of the week- If anyone fired me the last thing I would say is “Thank you”, what I would say probably wouldn’t be aired on BBC One.

Melody with her wisdom and knowledge said boldly- “Time is Money” she really needs to copyright that gem before someone steals it.

Susan is my Wannabe of the week- I knew she was young but to be sweet and naïve makes her a winner in my books, I do feel sorry for her though as she seems a little bit scared of the others

Tune in next week

By Felicity Dudley

The Apprentice - Episode 5 - 1st June 2011

­­­­­­Total Biz World's brand new writer Felicity Dudley welcomes you to her weekly review of The Apprentice.

The trend for most weeks is the absence of his “Lordship” when dishing out the weeks task. A pre-recorded skit played back on a television does the job a lot better than the wannabes needing to listen to Alan’s excruciating one-liners in the boardroom- Somewhere on an editing suite floor in East London is a caretakers closet of Sir Alan’s not-so-funny blooper reels.

This week’s task was an advertising campaign for the pet food market. I do love that every single week there is always a team member who can blag their way through their shortcomings on a task by claiming their experience is not in the exact area they are taking on this week. Sir Alan should sort himself out and only allow the wannabes to be from a specific job background so the same old excuses aren’t pedalled out every week.

Team Glenn and his minions for the task this week- Leon, Edna, Susan, Zoe and Natasha

Glenn captained one team and of course Glenn had all the ideas. Even when Glenn was told that cat owners like a certain product Glenn still felt he was right…Glenn Glenn Glenn. Glenn of course is very watchable, getting rid of him would be a sin against reality entertainment. In the end Glenn’s equal and open-minded approach (feel the sarcasm) to teamwork paid off and his team were secure for another week.

Catsize (Team Glenn’s product) was a bit of a weak idea with a bland marketing campaign, but as it hit the right market they were in the safe zone. The team was certainly more disagreeable but you can’t argue with an idea that’s slightly less awful than the other one, can you? And in case you were wondering, former tennis start Pat Cash is low on work and is free to entertain at weddings, bar mitzvahs, birthday’s and as a “reward” for the winning Apprentice team.

Vincent the lollipop man captained the other team with his fish pout in full force and clothes that appear to be painted on daily, his team for the week were Melody, Natasha, Ellie, Jim and Tom.

Team Vincent was a stable lot, and seemed (quite boringly) to be in agreement with each other’s ideas- until it gets to the boardroom then everyone was useless in every way they possibly could be as dictated by their “team mates”. The idea of EveryDog had good intentions, but people are so precious about these creatures that even in some countries still aren’t domesticated. Jim had the ideas, the most confidence and is able to control the volume of his voice when in conversation with Alan and the team.

During the Everydog pitch we realised Melody can talk for twenty minutes without breathing through her nose (a quality better suited to adult entertainment). Vincent will happily sell everybody out in a heartbeat and Natasha can master the smug look all too well for someone who should’ve left the first week.

Double firing this week as Ellie and Vincent left the boardroom to the awaiting taxi.

Biz Best Bits: 

Jim is our wannabe of the week due to his calm and collected manner, which I am sure will not be present in the upcoming weeks when things heat up

Team Glenn was destined to be a laugh riot and Glenn gets my quote of the week

“I’m not being funny but that was brilliant!”- its alright G I don’t think a compliment is preceded by the word “funny” unless it’s a backhanded compliment?- That Glenn hey!

I liked the Pug who auditioned for the Everydog advert but didn’t get the role- he was the most professional

Don’t forget to check-in next week